By Julia Salerno
Grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. But, what makes the grief process so difficult for us as human beings?
The stages in which the human race experiences grief is universal. There is a connective experienc in grief. Whether you are grieving in Barcelona, Spain or Center City, Philadelphia, you may likely find yourself experiencing these stages in your grieving process.
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
Stage 2: Anger
Stage 3: Bargaining
Stage 4: Depression
Stage 5: Acceptance
In order to understand the five stages of grief, we need to understand what grief actually is.
Grief is our natural response to the loss or the death of a valued being, human, animal or Relationship.
Grief can be overwhelming. We often experience difficult and unexpected emotions. The pain of grief is real and it can have a physical and mental effect on our bodies. Which is why we might experience the stages of grief at different times, different rates, and express each stage with different levels of intensity. We all may grieve differently and that is ok.
The five stages of grief that we all experience at one point or another does not have a specific order. Maybe we are angry about the loss of the loved one before we experience isolation. Maybe we move from denial of their loss straight to depression. There is no “roadmap” for overcoming or conquering grief. Sometimes, we move easily through one stage but struggle for months or years with another stage. It depends. What the grieving process looks like for one, is not the same for another. Our emotional connections are different, which is why we move through the stages of grief at our own pace.
The 5 Stages of Grief
Stage 1: Denial and Isolation
Upon learning about the terminal illness or death of a loved one, most of us deny the reality of the situation. “This is not happening. This cannot be happening. It is a dream.” Our denial is a normal natural defense mechanism that we, as humans, have. Parts of us try to rationalize our overwhelming emotions to help manage the loss. However, denial numbs our initial emotions and blocks out the real facts of the situation. For most of us, denial is the stage that carries us through the first initial wave of pain.
Stage 2: Anger
As the wave of denial and isolation wears off, the reality of the pain emerges. Again, we scramble to deny the reality of the situation. We are still not ready to accept the loss. So, we express anger. The anger we are feeling may be aimed at friends, family, or even complete strangers crossing the busy Philadelphia streets. We may experience anger towards ourselves or our lost loved one. Rationally, we know the deceased loved one is not to blame, but emotionally, we might feel angry at our loved one for dying. We then become angry at ourselves for trying to place the blame on them, thus becoming even more angry.
Stage 3: Bargaining
We are feeling helpless and vulnerable. And, in order to regain control, we often engage in “if only” statements.
“If only I had done this…”
“If only I got that second opinion.”
“If only I could see them one more time.”
“I promise to..”
“God, heal this person and I will..”
These statements are our ways of bargaining. We might be making a deal with our higher power in an attempt to avoid the pain and emotions that we are truly feeling. Often times, we believe we could have done more. We believe we could have done something differently to help save the one that we love.
Stage 4: Depression
There comes a time that everything begins to calm down. We look at the reality of the situation. We come to accept the facts of the situation. The emotional roller coaster that we were on ends. And, the loss feels more present, real, and unavoidable. Our sadness grows. We might find ourselves being less sociable and reaching out less. This is a natural stage of the grieving process, and it can feel very isolating.
Stage 5: Acceptance
Not everyone reaches this stage. It is often the hardest to reach and can take a while to get there. This stage of grief is not a period of happiness nor is it a stage of depression. This stage is marked by calmness. We are no longer resisting the reality of the situation nor are we struggling to change it into something different. We might still experience sadness from time to time, but the emotional roller coaster of denial, bargaining, and anger have subsided. We have accepted the loss. However, acceptance does not always mean the grieving process is complete. Many times we move in and out of the stage of acceptance as we grapple and process through the different waves of grief. Grief is not linear.
