Healing From Trauma As A Lesbian—Creating Safe Spaces in Trauma Intensive Therapy
I don’t normally write blogs from my personal experience, but this one seems to require some self-disclosure to show context. I identify as a queer, cis, privileged white woman of Jewish and Italian descent. As I sit down to write this, I notice even the word lesbian feels awkward and not quite right to me. Lesbian could be a cis or trans woman or girl who is attracted to other cis or trans women or girls. Google says that the sexual or romantic attraction must be exclusively to other women and does not delineate between cis or trans women.
I’ve toyed with the word lesbian for my own label, but it’s not how I identify, aside from playing around by calling myself lezzzzzzbian, enunciating the “z” in the word.
In the present day, it seems that all labels and boxes that have been created to describe sexuality and gender have become more fluid and inclusive for many of us and still more rigid and contained for others.
These labels for human beings who are just living their lives authentically come with mixed thoughts, emotions, and reactions. On one hand, yes, we are some of the queer folx who populate the LGBTQIA+ community. On the other hand, the “L”, represents us, can have a traumatic or incorrect connotation as with all the letters in our queer acronym because we deviate from the “norm”. Most of us in the LGBTQIA+ community experience similar trauma with different labels. Some are unique to our individual orientation. The following describes some of my personal sexuality trauma, and I want to give a nod to the fact that most of us queerlings relate to what I write here; it’s not exclusive to lesbians.
My young experience with the word, lesbian, meant a masculine or butch woman or a “lipstick lesbian” which were difficult to identify.
It was also affiliated with “bad”, “shameful”, or “dirty”.
Our marginalized trauma is both aligned with the rest of the queer community and it is different from our cohort in other respects. Further, the following story shows the more interwoven, insidious, and covert traumas we experience, rather than many other stories that show how intensely we can experience trauma around our sexuality.
Looking Back
Thinking back to high school in the 1990s when the girls made fun of clever, direct, and sexually expressive Lindsay, they called her a LESBIAN and warned their friends not to get undressed in front of her in the locker room. I remember hearing this and understanding their insinuation that she might gawk at them or feel uncontrollably overcome with sexual desire for them just because they decided that she was a lesbian. It’s possible she was queer, but outwardly in high school, Lindsey wasn’t even interested in girls romantically, as far as I know. She wound up dating a boy at school, marrying a cis man and becoming a major advocate for social justice. When I think back to the first times I heard this word being used as derogatory, I am really struck by all the assumptions and meaning-making these high school kids engaged in to come up with a story about the danger of having Lindsay the lesbian in a high school locker room.
Was it that she had a strong persona?
Was it because she had experimented sexually or because someone said she did?
Maybe she never actually had.
Was she too strong and too smart to be labeled as promiscuous, as many other girls with softer or less clever personalities were labeled?
Why were they targeting her?
What were they scared of that prompted the need to cut her down and make others fear her?
My train of thought goes to that they were intimidated by
her strength
her directness
her boldness
and by how incredibly smart she was.
I believe that the girls who spread rumors that Lindsay was a dangerous lesbian didn’t have the courage to show their authenticity in the sea of high school students we swam in. Honestly, neither did I.
The not knowing, but feeling different, that is trauma. Overhearing the warnings against being a lesbian like Lindsay is trauma. The stark judgment, fear, and demoralization that went into those statements—is all trauma both for Lindsay herself and for others like me who were closeted people who deviated from the norm.
At that point in time I didn’t even know I was queer. I was scared not to fit in and I was scared to try to fit in. Rather than subject myself to the harsh judgments and commentary of these kids, I stayed on the periphery of the social cliques in high school. I usually ate my lunch in the library and if I sat at a table, it was brief and to be with one of my friends who was part of a larger group I did not align with. I’m not sure if being queer is the only reason I stayed away from cliques, but it certainly was because I had not yet found my people who aligned with my sense of self nor had I found my sense of self. I had some pieces of who I was and what I stood for, but I didn’t have the courage to speak up and show myself the way that Lindsay had. What we all really needed was a community of people we could identify with.
The trauma that stems from being lesbian interweaves at many intersections, and the overarching theme is a sense of not belonging.
As humans, a sense of belonging is vital.
As queer cis women, we felt outcast or on the periphery from the beginning.
Depending on your debut out of the closet, grade school was a time where you either fit in by claiming crushes on boys, claiming interest in girls or claiming no crushes at all. You might have hidden your sexuality and you might not have, either way, these social locations are all very confusing and unnerving at a time where most of life is confusing. Hiding our desires, our interests and our authentic self leaves us feeling lonely, isolated, different, and sometimes bad and wrong. These feeling states are a form of significant, insidious trauma.
Conversely, coming out and stating our sense of self outloud or who we are attracted to subjects us to rumors, ridicule, rejection, and a pretty deep vulnerability.
Think about it.
What high schooler knows exactly who they are and can stand firmly by their sense of identity?
How difficult must it be to claim it to ourselves and then to claim it outloud to friendly and unfriendly peers and adults?
How does this period of time impact the adults we later become?
High school today has some significant differences from when I attended in the 90’s, namely that queerness is much more accepted and less secretive. However, even a cis queer teen, claiming a sexuality is less likely to be in the neat box that lesbian implies. Our high schoolers today have a much more fluid view of themselves and of the world and that comes with its own set of confusion and uncertainty. It also elicits similar or different types of rumors or bullying, but usually less so these days for our fellows contending with gender tend to get it much worse these days.
Just the word lesbian brings forth multiple pages of thoughts and feelings. Let’s explore how we work with this kind of trauma for queer and lesbian women.
Trauma of the Queer cis Woman aka Lesbian Trauma
Trauma is heartbreak and even when we’re around others experiencing the same trauma, it happens in isolation. Traumatic events are ones uniquely felt and perceived by each of us individually. No two people experience trauma exactly the same. However, the camaraderie and the community are the solution and the healing.
High school is a time when it is outside of the norm to not be dating or have crushes or romantic interests. Almost half of the high school population has a sexual or romantic interest in the other half, split by heteronormative gender labels of boys and girls. Having a crush on a boy was the norm for me in high school. I wonder what my inner and outer worlds would have been like if half of my high school population was filled with the types of girls I found attractive. What if it were more normalized in the 90’s for my classmates to have dating interests in other girls? What if it were a real option in my consciousness to have that sort of connection with other girls in school? Would I have known my sexuality sooner?
Isolation and secrets cause trauma.
Queer adults have missed out on burgeoning adolescent crushes and naturally occurring and spontaneous attraction. Romantic attraction to others begins in early adolescence. Without social norms, acceptance, and large pools of potential mates, queer people are often left to feel their crushes in secret and isolation. These experiences prevent them from using early teen dating as a way to dream and decide what kinds of personalities and traits attract them.
When you think of a potential romantic partner, what kinds of traits do you want them to have? When queer people are left to build their preferred romantic profile in secret, they are unable to pull from real-life experiences. This sometimes leads them to be drawn to people who exhibit red-flag behaviors or to people who are not secure in their own identities. These experiences prevent young queer people from practicing, setting and keeping boundaries or even being able to articulate what they find important or imperative in a young romantic relationship.
Lesbian trauma is one created around isolation and secrecy.
There is overwhelming confusion and secrecy around the most natural thing which is romantic attraction.
When romantic crushes are considered bad and wrong, that’s when our particular trauma can be created.
Our very identity becomes bad and wrong; it’s simply an unexpected outcome for something seemingly so simple as sexuality.
Healing Together in a Safe Space
Healing happens in community. When we connect with others who have had the same or similar experiences in their identity or in their trauma or the intersection of both, that is the type of connection that creates healing and belonging. Spilove Psychotherapy is a queer-owned and queer-run practice. Our team is made up of queer allies and community members. If you’re lesbian or another member of the queer community you will find belonging here. We have lived experiences that we bring into the room to connect with you and help you feel safe and at home. Contact us to learn more about trauma counseling for lesbians and the queer community in Bryn Mawr and Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
Get Started with Our Trauma Intensive Therapy in Bryn Mawr, PA & Surrounding Areas Today
If you resonate with the experiences shared in this blog or have your own journey navigating the complexities of identity, know that you’re not alone. At Spilove Psychotherapy, we are dedicated to fostering a safe and supportive space for queer individuals to explore their trauma and build a sense of belonging. Together, we can find strength in our shared experiences and work toward a brighter, more authentic future.
Contact us here so we can get to know you better.
Learn more about trauma-intensive therapy by exploring our blogs.
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About the Author
Tiffany Spilove is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with specialized expertise in trauma and PTSD healing through EMDR and a Client-Centered Depth Psychology approach. She is deeply committed to working with a diverse range of clients, including those within the LGBTQ community, helping them navigate struggles such as attachment wounds, anxiety, life transitions, and challenges specific to empaths and other healers.
Tiffany’s therapeutic practice draws upon a variety of modalities to address symptoms of PTSD and eating disorders. She incorporates approaches to engage with the Inner Critic and other internal parts of the self, blending techniques from Narrative Therapy, Solution-Focused Therapy, Transpersonal and Humanistic Psychology, and Psychodynamic and systems work. Her practice is consistently rooted in a Client-Centered approach, ensuring that clients feel heard, supported, and empowered throughout their healing journey.
Tiffany is currently offering EMDR & Trauma Intensives, providing focused, in-depth sessions designed to accelerate healing and recovery from trauma.
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